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The Minifan Constitution
The Constitution of The Theocratic Democratic Republican Union of Minifans and Mincels Preamble In the name of Podcast Jesus, the crass and vengeful. “If you don’t like the show, unsubscribe. I don’t care.” The ruling class of the Theocratic Democratic Republican Union of Minifans and Mincels set forth the cultural, social, political, and economic institutions of Minifan society on the basis of Podcast Jesus’ principles and norms. After experiencing the anti-free speech and oppressive actions of Robert Murchison, Shirley Leung, the Boston Globe, and Entercom, the Minifan people of Twitter united under the banner of Barstool Sports, welcoming stoolies into the faith as the new class of acolytes: the Mincels. The blessings of Podcast Jesus birthed Minifan and Mincel communities on Discord, Instagram, and YouTube (fuck Reddit) which now come together to form a more perfect Universe of Characters. On this twenty seventh day of December in the Year of Podcast Jesus 0001 we do ordain and establish this Constitution for the Theocratic Democratic Republican Union of Minifans and Mincels. Article I – Form of Government The form of government is that of a Theocratic Democratic Republic, endorsed by the Minifans and Mincels on the basis of their undying devotion to the supreme overlord Podcast Jesus. Any and all legislation is empowered by the will of Podcast Jesus. Laws meant to undermine or disobey his commandments are forever null and void. Article II – Legislation and Cabinet The Cabinet shall be composed of Confirmed Minifans chosen every year by the people by a strict election process during the second week of November. A Confirmed Minifan is defined by someone with at least one Twitter parody account that corresponds to one Discord user who has photographic evidence of an iTunes rating of the KMS Podcast as well as a verified sponsor or merch purchase. In the event a Cabinet member steps down or is removed by Podcast Jesus, a special election is to be held at the earliest possible time to fill that position. Cabinet members shall have a distinct channel for debate and discussion on Discord as well as distinct privileges on the platform. Legislation shall be proposed and voted on by all cabinet members. An initiative or law must be given a vote if proposed by a cabinet member and endorsed by no fewer than two more. After that point the President will set a date and time for the vote to take place where a simple majority will pass the initiative. Policies that have not been written into law fall under the discretion of cabinet members based on their position: President of the Minifans The President serves as the Minifan’s voice to Podcast Jesus and speaks on their behalf. The President also calls to order any Cabinet meeting, discussion, debate, or vote. Anyone holding this office becomes a lifetime High Priest of the Minifans unless personally removed by Podcast Jesus. Patrick (who? to most) at time of ratification. First Lady of the Minifans The First Lady of the Minifans can be held by Minifans of any gender. LaurenLin at time of ratification. Vice President of the Minifans In the event the President resigns or is removed from office, the Vice President assumes all duties of the President until a new election is held. This temporary position as Interim President does not gain the Vice President privilege of becoming a lifetime High Priest of the Minifans. Vacant at time of ratification. Minifan Secretary of State Serving as the Minifan’s liaison to other fan bases, the Secretary of State interprets and clarifies calls to action (war or truce) from Podcast Jesus. Please note that only Podcast Jesus himself may declare war or truce. Matt from Providence at time of ratification. Minifan Secretary of Treasury The Secretary of Treasury is solely responsible for the use or misuse of billboard money. Jordan (creator to most) at time of ratification. Minifan Secretary of Transportation When possible the Secretary of Transportation must make available rides for Blind Mike be that personally or via Uber or other ride sharing services (not Uber Black). KirksIntern at time of ratification. Minifan Secretary of Defense If necessary the Secretary of Defense assumes responsibility of ratting out and reporting rule breaking behavior across social media platforms. GovernedByFear at time of ratification. Minifan Attorney General The sole responsibility of the Attorney General is to compile information and define strategy in the main war against Bob Murchison, Shirley Leung, the Boston Globe, the Boston Red Sox, and Entercom. Robinsons_Rules at time of ratification. Minifan Secretary of the Interior The Secretary of the Interior is charged with archiving important off-air discoveries and insights from Podcast Jesus. Barstool Advisor at time of ratification. Minifan Secretary of Agriculture In order to ensure all Minifans are fed, the Secretary of Agriculture must check in with Podcast Jesus’ producer two weeks before any live show to confirm accommodations. Steve from Providence at time of ratification. Minifan Secretary of Commerce As the show’s reach continues to expand, the Secretary of Commerce is charged with maintaining equitable relationships with other fanbases (including stoolies). Vacant at time of ratification. Minifan Secretary of Labor The Secretary of Labor must personally make certain non-war actionable commands from Podcast Jesus are executed (e.g. iTunes review numbers). Charles Meechum at time of ratification. Minifan Secretary of Health and Human Services A healthy community is a benefit to all Minifans and Mincels, therefore the Secretary of Health and Human Services must issue reminders on a minimum of an annual basis for all Minifans to get check-ups, immunizations, fishing licenses, teeth-cleaning, and proper haircuts. TJ Hubbard at time of ratification. Secretary of Housing and Urban Development As all Minifans require a place to lay their heads while attending an overnight live show, the Secretary of Housing and Urban Development must be available to offer suggestions and insight into local lodging. Rich_Mandarin at time of ratification. Secretary of Energy As all Minfans also require charged phones to listen to the live show upon posting, the Secretary of Energy must be available to offer suggestions and insight into local free power stations. Blobe at time of ratification. Secretary of Education The Secretary of Education is responsible for keeping and maintaining a list of episode dates and timestamps of momentous occasions within the KMS Universe. Captain_Kirk at time of ratification. Secretary of Veterans Affairs The caring for our veterans is vital, and the Secretary of Veterans Affairs will make resources available to any Minifan parody account issued a permanent suspension from Twitter. RA Minihane at time of ratification. Secretary of Homeland Security Identifying threats to the KMS is vital to the preservation of the KMS Universe. Because of this the Secretary of Homeland Security is relied on to identify and make known entities which seek to begin an advertiser boycott or any other threatening behavior toward Podcast Jesus and his endeavors. AnDvMnEcT (jar of mayo) at time of ratification. If a Cabinet Member fails to uphold their duties or is seen to be unfit by the Minifans and Mincels, a special election may be called for with the signature of no fewer than fifteen Certified Minifans. Article III – Judiciary The judicial power of the Theocratic Democratic Republican Union of Minifans and Mincels shall be vested in the Supreme Court comprised of the Made Men and 3 Members of the Cabinet. The Made Men shall hold their offices until death or disinheritance by Podcast Jesus himself. Made Men must number 3 in total. In the event of death or disinheritance a new Man will be Made by Podcast Jesus. In the event Made Men number less than 3 at any given time, the duties of that Made Man fall on Podcast Jesus’ producer and then his sidekick and then the President. The Cabinet Members will be determined at the time of election by appointment from the outgoing President. The Cabinet Members shall also separately comprise the Competent Court. Supreme Court Judicial power includes: Reviewing and determining the lawfulness of passed legislation Conviction of high crimes enumerated in Article IV Competent Court Judicial power includes: Moderation of the Discord Conviction of lower crimes passed as legislation by the Cabinet Article IV – Loyalty Undying loyalty is demanded of all Minifans and Mincels. Disloyalty is defined by support of Podcast Jesus’ enemies, be that a ratings boost, twitter follow, or anything else further defined by the legislature, as well as clout chasing and self-promotion, and will be punished by no less than a 30 day ban from the Discord and an unfollowing by all parody accounts. In the event a sponsor pulls support from the show due to “outside interference” (scared by Murchison), Minifans and Mincels (and all brother-in-laws’ brothers) are forbidden from purchasing products from that sponsor. If at any time the Minifans fail to live up to the loyalty Podcast Jesus expects, the Minifans shall receive 50 minute episodes for an indefinite period of time. High crimes of the State include: Creation and dissemination of physical promotional materials for the show without the express written or oral permission and blessing of Podcast Jesus (e.g., a sticker campaign) Using the image or reputation of Podcast Jesus to build one’s own image and reputation Liking the Tweets of or retweeting any declared enemies of Podcast Jesus Purchasing a subscription to the Boston Globe Communication of any sort (besides sober and respectful emails); with Robert Murchison or Shirley Leung without express and individual permission from Podcast Jesus Releasing personal information about any other Minifan or Mincel to the public (doxxing) Article V – Social Media Relations Known Minifans from Discord, Instagram, and YouTube (fuck Reddit) will receive instant recognition and follows when introduced to another Social Media platform. All privileges and immunities granted in one platform are extended to the others. New Social Media platforms may be admitted into the Union only by Podcast Jesus. Each Social Media platform may choose to elect representatives whose powers are nominative in function only and serve as a conduit from the people to the Cabinet. Article VI – Mode of Amendment The Cabinet may propose amendments to this constitution with a two thirds majority vote which will then be presented to the Minifans and Mincels in the form of a referendum. That referendum will pass and amend this constitution if a yes vote of at least three fourths is obtained. Alternatively Podcast Jesus may immediately institute an amendment without notice or vote at any time. Article VII – Ratification The Ratification by Podcast Jesus as presented by the existing Cabinet as of this twenty seventh day of December in the Year of Podcast Jesus 0001 shall be sufficient for the establishment of this constitution between the Minifans and Mincels.